Elvis through the year

To: ben@dallasnews.com
From :FGSKramer@AOL.COM (Kramer Wetzel)
Subject: Elvis Yearly Outlook
Elvis through the year
Special to Astronet, (c) Kramer Wetzel, 1997, 1998.
January 1998
This is going to be an odd year for the King, who celebrates another birthday January 8. Yepper, Elvis is a Capricorn. one of those wacky yet powerful Cardinal signs. Capricorn’s ruling planet, Saturn, will spend the first half of this year making a less-than-wonderful angle to all Cardinal signs. Saturn isn’t always bad, it just orbits that way. Soon, Saturn is moving direct on a fast track outta here. Elvis feels this effect. He’s getting a square from Saturn a little later, and it’s making him squirm. He needs to examine his record contracts and make sure everything is OK with the colonel. We can all practice this month by saying “Thank you,thank you vurrry much.” The Young Elvis trapped inside all of us needs to remember our humble roots in Tupelo. Speaking of which, if you are of noble, southern extraction, then it’s a good month for cheese grits or chicken-ried steak. Perhaps a pilgrimage to points south would help. Remember to pause when approaching a Trailer Park during the King’s birthday month.

February 1998
Elvis has a Pisces Moon at an early degree of Pisces. During the early part of February, Jupiter will make contact with Pisces, much like Elvis has made contact with certain customer service representatives of convenience stores around the country. In dusty old Astrology books, Jupiter rules Pisces. What’s that mean? I don’t really know. I just know that it means something good is about to happen. All that dust kicked up for the King in January about talk of contracts and stuff has begun to settle and a big payoff is near. That means Pisces Sun Signs or, in the case of Elvis, Pisces Moon Signs. It’s a time when things at the Trailer Park of Life seem calm. Things around Graceland will be pleasant this month, thanks to a pairing of Jupiter and Pisces. Looks good, feels good. Well, Mars will stir things up, but I’ll bet it’s a good month for the King to hang out at the homestead and go through old boxes of rhinestone-encrusted jumpsuits. A good rule of thumb: If you haven’t worn that rhinestone-encrusted jumpsuit at least once in the past year, sell it a garage sale. It’s a short month, and the King needs a break from his adventures on the road. The end of February brings an eclipse, and Elvis can’t afford another pesky press sighting. Besides, the makers of the “X-Files” and “America’s Most Wanted” are reportedly hot on his trail.

March 1998
A soothsayer warned Caesar of the Ides of March. The same type of person needs to warn Elvis about the time between eclipses. Odds are good that we’ll hear of several Elvis Sightings during this time. Will it be “Elvis seen at Snuffer’s seen stuffing cheese fries into his face”? or “Elvis may sign with the Cowboys”? You know what? Each scenario could be true. The eclipse is when the hidden is revealed, and what could be more revealing than big sideburns and a characteristic “Thank You” from an innocuous convenience store clerk, who, for all the world, looks just like a really familiar, albeit slightly aged, version of his former self. Locations for these sightings will be varied, but look for sightings in the Midwest because it’s the easiest place to escape to. After the media hype subsides, things return to normal or back to “Taking Care of Business” as the King would say.

April 1998
April is good to the King. It brings a new love. Looks like the relationship started awhile back, but things are going pretty darn well by now. There’s always that cliche about what happens to a young man’s thoughts in the spring, but let’s face some facts: Young Elvis is gone. However, Mars in Aries opposes his natal Mars, which means excitement. For the rest of us, Mars goes into Taurus in mid-April, which will heat up the sensual side of the spring. So whether you’re Elvis, or an Elvis impersonator, it’s an idyllic time. Mercury is retrograde for most of April but by now, you’re used to that and you know the drill. If not, you’ll know the time has come when you hear of flagrantly fallacious sightings. Remember, it’s just the pesky planets this time, not the pesky press. The King will weather this. At least he listens to his astrologer.

June 1998
Since it’s Gemini for most of the month, perhaps the dual nature of young and old Elvis can be examined. It was Young Elvis who invented rock ‘n roll. Young Elvis, slim and fit, fought his way to topple the established hegemony of the record business, touring West Texas in the back of a truck. Now established, the young rebel becomes older and more mature in the glittering white-hot spotlight of Las Vegas. Bring the two images together. Now imagine a tabloid picture of old Elvis, the one who now walks on the Earth. It’s the juxtaposition of our youth, that which we mourn and haphazardly strive for versus the reality of what we are: older, out of shape and facing angioplasty. This mental imaging can be a good exercise. If you don’t have enough Gemini in your chart, get it reworked. Tune-ups are available. See your astrologer for details.

July, 1998
It’s a predominately Cancer month, and Cancer is the opposite of the Elvis chart. Therein lies the problem: Cancers can be a moody lot. Not all, mind you; Bubba ain’t moody. Occasionally pensive and sometimes seen weeping when he hears old Mr. Mister songs from the ’80s, but he’s never moody. With the Cancer chart for this year, we are at an astrological half-way point. At this point of the summer, when it’s hot and sticky, I don’t know, I don’t care, whatever… Me and Elvis, we’re going to the beach. Nothing like a dip in the warm Gulf to wake up, then cool off in the shade and sip a lovely iced beverage. Later this month, Mars swoops into Cancer, heating things up one last time for the poor, impoverished Cardinal signs. Mars is like the hot babe who comes roaring in on the Harley, stirring up everything in her wake. For Elvis, this is the marriage thing again, revisited. It’s like a second honeymoon. The trick with Martian energy is to be careful. Elvis will be highly “agitato” this month. Don’t let this get to you, too.

August 1998
Early August brings another dreaded mercury Retrograde. Not a bad thing, actually, because the Sun Sign is the bucolic Leo. It might even be a colicky Leo, with all the Mercury stuff stopping, slowing down, turning around, and trying to follow what Mercury. It’s enough to make anyone car sick. Elvis is probably traveling this month. He needs to get away from prying eyes. He’s certainly getting secret communications from an ex-wife. I wonder which one? You can never be too sure what Mercury will bring. There’s an Eclipse cycle, too. Talk about fun things astrological! Best of all, it’s the un-official but widely celebrated, Day of the Elvis Dead. What more can you ask for in a month?

September 1998
September will be like a birthday month for the King — the Sun crosses his mid-heaven this month — since Elvis has a perfect Mid-Heaven in Virgo. This is like a real birthday: Good stuff that’s supposed to happen does. A perfect child might be born now; remember that Elvis was thinking about marriage awhile back? Now he might be having a baby. Of course, this will be all done at a top-secret military base, so none of this information will ever leak out. For the rest of us, Mars is still in Virgo, and the Equinox brings Libra, forcing Elvis to make adjustments in his lifestyle now that there’s a new baby in the house. The good news is that, like all Capricorns, he’s become a better parent. Maybe you CAN teach an old hound dog new tricks.

October 1998
Jupiter spends about three months of the year in apparent retrograde motion. For some,this sucks because projects are put on hold, and we’re all stuck listening to elevator versions of old Loverboy songs. Good tip: One company hired a comedian to do its “hold” interlude. Jupiter retrograde won’t hit the King too hard because he’s got Jupiter in his natal chart. Looks like the record company is set to release a new gift set. Where else but America can you take old Delta Blues and mix it with Hillbilly twang and get rock ‘n roll? Speaking of roots, I must remember to send my Scorpio Mom a birthday card (Scorpio comes late this month). And, throughout the whole month of October, because Elvis has Scorpio in most of his 11th House, we’re all going to be thinking about him.

November 1998
November brings yet another Mercury Retrograde. About the time Mercury gets right, so does Jupiter. Things are fixin’ to be turbulent, and Elvis will be called into secret negotiations with top government officials. The catch: it will all be about Space Aliens. There’s a strong suggestion, during the tail end of the retrograde period, that Area 51 will play an important part of what is going on. Just looking at the charts, I’d wager that Elvis has made quite an impact outside our solar system. I know Mercury is Retrograde but that just goes to show: You can never tell what will crop up from the past when these things hit. Apparently, the Aliens want to talk the King. And to make this message clear, look for a crop circle cut in the shape of the trademark Elvis lightning bolt.

December 1998
December brings a unique event in the life of Elvis and his chart: The Sun crosses his Ascendant. Then it lands back in the First House. This closes the year for Elvis. He’s gotten married, made a baby, carried on high-level, top-secret discussions with planetary officials and watched as his popularity has soared even higher. Amazing. Wonder what’s up for next year?

As always, I beg to remain, your humble servant-
Kramer Wetzel
Astrology Home Buoy->
Vincit qui primum gerit
sent from an Apple Newton MP2K

About the author: Born and raised in East Texas, Kramer Wetzel, settled in a South Austin trailer park before trailer parks were cool. He now lives in San Antonio, Texas.

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